how are you supposed to win this war when you're too afraid to fight?
I've definitely dropped the ball on blogging this last month and a half, I don't even have a good reason for my lack of writing. lt seems as though life has taken over my.. well.. life. I've been pretty busy working at my new job, working on new projects, working on enjoying my summer, not working on my fitness.. and watching infomercials that display delightful trinkets that seem like a good idea to purchase on my credit card at 2am as I drink my sleepy time tea, while wearing my hello kitty pj's. I'm now patiently waiting for my purchases to show up on my doorstep so that I can say that I'm the the proud owner of some sort of blendy thing that's going to make me fruit slushies and veggie dip at the exact same time, fluffy slippers with built in mini heaters, and a vibrating ab machine that you strap around your stomach and is going to help me put Justin Timberlakes body to shame. You think I'm kidding, don't you? I wish I was. If you've never spent a Friday night watching two and a half hours of infomercials, then you're probably laughing at me right now, but I'll be the one laughing when my ab building machine arrives in the mail and I'm working on my 8 pack with toasty warm feet, as I blend together a delicious strawberry mango smoothie.
Weddings are supposed to be such happy events, so I'm confused as to why I felt a tiny bit sad about going to one of my closet girlfriends weddings this weekend. I wasn't necessarily sad, but it felt kind of bitter sweet. Anyone who knows me well or anyone who's been reading my blog has probably noticed I don't deal well with change. It's not that I don't think change is a good thing in some cases, but good or bad, the unknown, uncertain, uncontrolled and unpredictable still makes my heart skip a beat and my palms sweat. When I found out that Robin got engaged a huge part of me was so happy for her, and another part of me was a little scared that I was going to lose the person who had been my partner in crime for so many years. In a way, I was kind of right. We're at such different stages in our lives, she's married and working on starting a family, and this means there's not a lot of extra room for our super surprise nights, road trips, rock shows or dinner and drink dates complete with 500 pictures of us making the exact same kissy face in all of them. Our friendship is definitely different now then it was before, but as I get older I'm starting to realize that different doesn't always need to be a bad thing.
It's funny, because if you told me 5 years ago when I first met Robin that I was going to be at her wedding, I would of without a doubt, laughed in your face.
I met Robin at my first day at Earls. She walked into the training session after what appeared to be a long night out. She talked a mile a minute, only allowing you to catch every couple of words that came out of her mouth, and went to the bathroom after sampling some of Earl's signature salmon.. and threw up. I was convinced she was still drunk and confused as to whether having to sit next to her was some sort of punishment for my failing to stop for a pedestrian on my drive over. We sampled food, memorized some dishes, and then went around the table where we were supposed to share something about ourselves with everyone. I mentioned how I just graduated from high school, wanted to be an entertainment host on MTV and had mad love for The Backstreet Boys. She said she was a nurse and was 35, with a lot of plastic surgery. (I later found out she was a nurse, but definitely not 35, and definitely hadn't had plastic surgery) At the end of our training session she somehow had managed to pick up on my weakness to anything food related and asked me to grab lunch with her. She was quirky, a bit strange, and a lot awkward, but she introduced me to the delicious wonder of the Santa Fe Chicken Salad, and in return I agreed to go out with her that night. When I think back on the night, it's a bit fuzzy, all I remember is ending up at 7-11 at 3am and buying super surprise bags filled with fake fangs and stale gummy bears. We wore the fangs while eating the gummy bears, of course. I guess the rest is history, all I know is after that night I knew that I needed her in my life. I could write paragraphs and novels and poems and haikus about all of the shit we've been through and gotten into over five years, but they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I'm going to let the photo's do the talking.
I like to think I have a pretty good judge of character.. but when I look back on my first introductions to some of the closest people in my life, such as Robin, I sure have been proven wrong.
I met my best friend Heather when I moved across the street from her when I was 3 years old. One of my first memories of her is when I had to sit next to her on the bus. We were going on a school trip and I sat in the isle seat and as she glanced over at me, she started pinching me. She told me that if the bus was going to crash the person who was near the window would die first so I had to switch her spots and sit there. Being the quiet, shy, pushover that didn't want her arms covered in bruises, that that I used to be, I accepted my fate and shifted over to the window seat wondering why the heck nobody had invited seatbelts for busses yet. I went home and told my mom to never make me play with the blonde demon child again, who 19 years later would be the closet thing to a sister that I'll ever have.
Aaron walked up to me wearing jeans tighter then mine, a shirt showing off more cleavage then I had, a man-purse strapped across his chest, which I later found out he had spent 400 dollars on, and he looked like he had spent more time on his hair and makeup than I had. I figured he either didn't like girls, or was way too flamboyant for me to ever keep up with. The only reason why I agreed to hang out with him again was because one of the DJ's I worked with met him the same night that I did and had developed a man crush on him and encouraged me to give him a second chance, as well he had bought an extra Marilyn Manson ticket for me and I would of felt like a jerk for bailing on him. I would of never thought that I would of ended up falling for him.
I met Brittney on a plane. Within the first few hours of meeting her she had talked my ear off for the entire flight when all I wanted to do was sleep and had managed to lose her blackberry as soon as we stepped foot in the Phoenix airport. She burst into tears when she realized she had no way of getting ahold of the person picking her up without his number, and I had to literally sprint around the damn airport with this girl I hardly knew, retracing all our steps in hopes we could find her phone. I figured she would end up being a typical, overly dramatic girl that I would never be able to put up with. I never would of guessed that we would end up being inseparable from each other.
I could go on and on about quite a few people, but I think I've made my point. In life, sometimes you're right.. and sometimes you're wrong. Sometimes people deserve a second chance.. and well, sometimes they just don't. :)
So it finally happened. It was a long time coming and 10 months later, it happened. When me and Aaron broke up I had many unanswered questions, as everyone does after a relationship ends. He broke up with me over the phone and really, there's only so many answers you can get over a text or a phone call - when it's so easy to be emotionless and fake. It's hard to ask questions without the person you're speaking to standing vulnerably in front of you looking you in the eyes, as you reach for the nearest glass object, winding up to smash it in his face as he sputters out his half ass explanation. When I look back I think I had such a hard time with the break up because of how he did it. You spend most of your day talking to someone, spending your free time with them, focusing on making them smile and in return allowing them to make you smile. When he broke up with me so abruptly and out of the blue, it was almost like a sudden death. It was cold turkey to the max, and all I wanted was closure. All I wanted was to meet up over a civil cup of non fat sugar free caramel syrup filled coffee and get the answers I needed to move on so I could start rebuilding my life. I wasn't going to beg for him to stay and I wasn't going to try and change his mind - he made it very clear that what was done was what 'needed' to be done. You know, I wasn't even going to toss my scolding hot frothy drink in his face. I guess I just wanted to say goodbye. You need to say goodbye before you can truly move on and somehow the words written in a text or said over a phone conversation just doesn't have the same effect. I tried for months to get him to meet up with me, and each time I'd get every excuse in the book thrown my way. Eventually I realized I'd have to just accept the fact that I wasn't going to get the closure that I thought I needed.
We have many mutual friends and mutual places that we'd hang out and I'd often get texts from my friends saying they just saw him at the place I had been only minutes before - yet somehow I managed to avoid an awkward run in for almost a year. Two weeks ago I went to Warped Tour. He stood about 2 feet in front of me, starring at me, which is all I wanted him to be able to do those past few months. He looked absolutely terrified, like he didn't know whether to stand his ground or take off running. I didn't know what to do, so I just laughed, said hi.. and walked away. I won't lie, I was a bit shaken up seeing him, not because any feelings came rushing back, in fact, my heart didn't even skip a beat. I was more so just shocked that after so much time I ran into him in such an unexpected way. That next morning I packed up his stuff that was still loitering around my room into a box and went to a dumpster and tossed it all. I had already gotten over him on my own terms before seeing him at Warped Tour, and I can honestly say I didn't have a single feeling left for him, but seeing him for those 2 minutes was that last bit of closure that I had been yearning for all along. I slept like a baby that night, with a smile on my face, knowing that this chapter of my life has come to it's last page and a new one is beginning.. and knowing that some homeless mans night was going to be made as he hopped into the dumpster that night only to find a box filled with goodies.
While I was at Warped Tour I realized something. While everyone else was off partying and slamming back coke and rye's, I sat on a lawn chair and talked to a stranger for two hours. I can't tell you much about him. I can't tell you where he's from, what he does for fun, or his last name. I don't know if he has brothers and sisters, where he see's himself in 5 years, or why he wasn't taking part in the after show party with everyone else. I gave him advice on some relationship problems he was having, and in return he made me realize something that I promised I'd never let happen to myself. These past few months I've been so busy and stressed over trying to get things started, finished and figured out, that I've forgotten to remember, appreciate and take in the small things in life, the little things that in the past were always more important to me then the big picture. I've began to forgot to relax, breathe, stop to smell the roses and smile for absolutely no reason. So I decided this needed to change. I signed up for a dance class. I went for a run. I watched fireworks from my grandma's window. I made a mix c.d. I spent an entire day watching Desperate Housewives with my mom. I made a new friend. I spent my morning cuddling and playing with kittens at the SPCA. I wrote this blog. I held on longer to the people I care about when I hugged them. I went for lunch with an old friend. I spent a saturday night around a campfire. I made dinner from scratch. I made a wish on a rainbow. I made a wish on a star. I sang along to the c.d that I made at the top of my lungs, with all the wrong lyrics.
These, are the things that matter. I find that often I get so overwhelmed about too many things that are completely out of my control and will happen the way they're supposed to, that I fail to leave room in my head for the more important things that I do have control over. I'm making a promise to myself to make an effort to allow time to do more of these things… to listen a little closer when people are telling me a story, to remember the things that mean something to people I care about, and to stop leaving my house 15 minutes later then I should.
At the end of the day these are the things that should matter most, the little moments that make you smile, because while you're sweating and stressing over the unchangeable and unthinkable, lifes moving on, with or without you - and life doesn't stop for anybody.
I will leave you with this song. It's called Rabbits, by Matt Duke. I have no idea who he is, I just heard a clip of it while indulging in a 'So You Think You Can Dance" episode on tv. I think it's absolutely beautiful, so go give it a listen!
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