When I started writing this blog a few days ago, I had just spent 6 hours on a bus in Jamaica. Bob Marley played through the speakers the entire way there, and entire way home. I heard the song 'Don't worry, Be Happy' 28 times. I counted. Either Bob Marley doesn't have a lot of songs to choose from, or Mr. Marley himself was staring down at me from the clouds giving me some friendly advice.
I've made some mistakes in my life. If I said that I hadn't, I feel like a big, blinking, cartoon like light would pop up above my head that said 'LIAR'.
I've taken my frustration out on people who haven't deserved it. I've littered. I've burnt every possible type of food in the toaster, stove, and microwave. I've run over a handicap parking sign - Oops. I've given advice that I haven't taken myself. I've forgot to take chances. I've made someone cry. I've given up on people. I've given up on myself. I've hated someone I didn't even know. I've taken someone for granted. I've stolen pens from hotels, restaurants, and stores after using them. Purely by accident though - I promise. I've said I'd call and forgot. I've gotten mad at someone for doing the same to me.
We've all made mistakes in our lives, but I think the biggest mistake that I've made, and keep making, is holding on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to.
I'm good at letting people go.
Insert cartoon 'LIAR' light above my head here.
I'm not. At all. Once I've let my giant, double concrete wall down and let you see a glimpse of who I really am, I will have a hard time letting you go. I don't do that with many people. It takes a long, long time, and it's really hard for me to do. But, every once in a while, someone comes along that I knock the wall down for because I know that if I don't, then I risk losing them, and I feel like they're too important to take that sort of chance on. People who don't always know the right things to say when I'm sad, but try anyways. People that I know will blow dry and comb my hair when I'm too exhausted or hungover. People who don't give up even when things are shitty, because it's worth it to try and fix. People who are worth letting see who I really am.
I think my best friend Jen said it best when she said there's 'Internet Devan', and then there's "Real Devan'.
Most people won't ever see anything more then Internet Devan. I feel like she's my alter ego, with amour and super powers that have the ability to block any sort of emotion that could possibly hurt her. She's strong, confident, and nothing phases her. She hangs out at fancy parties, with fancy people, wearing fancy dresses, drinking fancy little drinks out of fancy little martini glasses. She travels. She models. She hangs out with celebrities. And backstage at concerts. She has her life allllll figured out, and people are jealous, because she has the world in the palm of her hand, to do whatever she wants with it.
Real Devan? She's not really a fan of internet Devan. She feels like they're far too different to ever really be friends. Real Devan doesn't have the proper armour to shield herself from getting hurt by people. She's a homebody. Her favourite place is her bed. Preferably with someone laying next to her, but currently an oversized stuffed animal sleeps on the pillow next to her. She only wears makeup once or twice a week. You probably wouldn't recognize her without it. She thinks she's prettier without makeup on, though. She drives the same car that she got when she was 17. She named it. She won't tell you what she named it because it's embarrassing. She spends a lot of the day driving and singing, badly, with the wrong lyrics, to songs most people have never heard of. She quotes songs that pull at her heartstrings. She spends her free time daydreaming about what she'd like her life to be, blogging, and listening to those songs she so poorly sang while - on repeat. She drinks tea. Peppermint, uncaffienated tea to be exact - every day, and every night. She's wishes she was good at something - baking, humming on tune, playing the guitar - anything. She lives to travel. The only time she feels like she's doing the right thing is when she's standing, or sitting in front of a camera or interviewing someone. She knows that she most likely will never get to do the one thing she loves as a full time career - she hasn't given up - but she's really close. She used to wish on stars, with hopes that it would be enough to make something come true. She doesn't have a close group of friends. She's envious of people that do. She doesn't get invited to fancy parties, because people get the two Devan's confused, and always assume she already has plans - she's most likely sitting at home, wishing someone would text her. She models because it's the one time that she gets to be someone else for a couple hours and clear her mind. She's 5'1. She realizes there's no hope of her being a runway model, and she's totally okay with that. She's usually lonely, but she covers it well. She tries to smile when she's sad, because she'd rather help other people then burden people with her problems. She knows there's got to be more to life then this, she's just waiting for her time to figure it all out. She wishes more people would take the time to actually get to know this side of her.
I've learnt a lot this year. More then I bargained for, and more then I expected, and more then I wanted to. I'll chalk it all up to an experience that will make me a better person in the long run, or some bullshit like that. One thing I did learn, is that sometimes people who care about you still make mistakes, and that mistakes don't always define a person. And sometimes they do. Its up to you to figure that one out, though.
Yes, I've made some mistakes, but I'm learning along the way. I think. I hope I am. I'd like to believe that I'm a good person, and that I try really hard to make the people that are in my life happy, and feel loved - and that's all I need in return.
And for anyone who's ever assumed, judged, or hated me without actually taking the time to know the real me?
I made a list of New Years Resolutions this year.
Here goes nothing, 2012.
1.) Take chances, even if it means putting your heart on the line and getting hurt.
2.) Daydream less, do more.
3.) Say yes, more then no.
4.) Let go.
5.) See the world.
6.) Don't mix the past with the present and the future.
7.) Knock things off my bucket list.
8.) Take my own advice, follow my instincts.
9.) Love more. Worry less. Don't over analyze. Give up when you're supposed to. Try harder when you're supposed to. Spend time with the people who give a shit.
10.) Re read this list anytime I'm feeling sad, and instead be thankful, and know that I can make the changes that will make me happy.