Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.
...
I'm sitting here with a chocolate mud mask on my face and I'm pretty sure I will be spending the next fifteen minutes trying to convince myself not to eat it.
I went to Boonstock a couple weekends ago and came back with some mysterious disease which turned out to be a brutal sinus infection. I blame the flooded tent, windstorm, sunburn, the molding, hot, fat free turkey breast package I found in my car, cheese related food for breakfast, lunch and dinner.. and of course drinking my body weight in grape flavored vodka water. (this can also be blamed for my cameras quick, sudden and unexplained death.)
During the time that I was sick I got to experience firsthand that you should not try and eat crackers with a severely swollen throat because you will choke and die. Or choke and almost die.
I wore fake eyeslahes the entire weekend camping. I seem to of been the only one who thought this was a completely normal thing to do. Then again, the first time I went camping I wore 5 inch stilettos.. which to this day I still feel there is absolutely nothing wrong with.
The past couple of weeks, every time that I want to write about something that's on my mind it manages to sound like complete and utter gibberish or pig latin as soon as I try to put it onto paper in proper sentences. This, is my reason for lack of blogging lately - not because I've been too sick, or too tired, or too busy.. just because I have so much going on in my head that it's next to impossible to pinpoint what I'm really trying to say.
Lately I've been thinking about how much easier life was when you're young and naive and how un-damaged and carefree everyone appeared to be - how much happier everyone allowed themselves to be because they didn't know any better. When I was in grade 2, my friend gave me his bright green crayon and told me to eat it because it would taste like lime. Even at a young age I feel like I was a pretty rational person.. so I rationalized this proposed offer in the only way I knew how. I rationalized that I like crayons, I like the color green and I like limes, so it'd only make sense that it'd be delicious once I crushed it up and ate in instead of my granola bar as my afternoon snack.
Just because I'm rational, doesn't mean I'm always right.
I've been thinking about how fucking hard moving on is while you're going through it and how amazing it finally feels after you've stopped beating your head against a wall while trying to figure out what happened and where it all went wrong. I realized that no matter how great or how shitty your relationship was, that it's still hard to let go of someone that was such a huge part of your life at some point. I realized that you can only hold onto the past for so long before you finally need to let go.. otherwise you end up spending all your energy focusing on something that once made you happy and didn't work out for a reason.. instead of taking a chance and focusing on something that could make you happy.
I think we all do this, hold on, to some extent for a while. Whether you were the one broken up with or the one who broke someone else's heart, there's that piece of us that feels sad, confused, hurt, frustrated and guilty. So, have your pity party, feel sorry for yourself, for the other person, feel all of the things that you need to feel.. and then put those feelings in a tiny box and shelve it before you end up sabotaging your future happiness - because if you allow yourself to do that, then what you get, is what you deserve.
Since breaking up in December my ex boyfriend had managed to text me at the most inconvient times that never failed to mess with my head and hurt my heart. This past week he's been texting me more often then usual for some reason. If this were to of happened three months ago, I would of done everything to try and prolong the conversation for as long as possible. I would of hung onto and read into every single word, hoping the next ones were "I miss you" or "I made a mistake." - even though I already knew deep down that those words would never come.
This time was different though, each time he texted me to see how I've been or what I was up to, I politely said I'm doing good and hope he is as well. For the first time the words that he had said in the past and the promises he made no longer mattered. It was just that - the past.
It's taken me a long time to get me to this point.. 8 months too long. 8 months of beating myself up over things that I shouldn't of.. and questioning things that really didn't even matter. 8 months of being sad and upset, instead of focusing on the other things that made me happy.
I can finally look through our LA pictures and not end up in a fit of tears by the end of it. I can finally look at the pictures and laugh at the good times we had. I can look at the pictures and I can remember the trip as, without a doubt, the best vacation and one of the best weeks of my life. I can look at the pictures and be thankful that I got to spend a solid week experiencing that we did with the most important person in my life at that time. I can look at the pictures and know that every single smile I had in the photos was genuine and real, and during each moment that there was absolutely no where else I would of rather been. I can look at the pictures and know that it's over and these photo's are just memories now. I can look at these pictures and know that there will be no more memories to be made together, and I'm finally okay with this.
With any relationship, you learn, and you grow, and if it ends, you hope that you can take something positive away from it. Being with Aaron and going through the breakup process made me realize things that I wouldn't of if I hadn't experienced it all firsthand. I learnt to guard my heart, but not put up so many walls that when someone worthy comes along that they're not able to break them down. I learnt that peoples pasts make them who they are and though it doesn't need to define who they are, old habits still die hard. I learnt that although it's okay to hold onto memories, it's not okay to let the past stop you from living in the present. I realized that past relationships may install fears into you, but it's not okay to let these precautions ruin you. I realized it's okay to give someone new a chance if they make you happy - just because someone broke your heart.. doesn't mean everyone will.
I learnt that he's not a horrible person, no matter how horrible he ended things. He really did treat me like gold the entire time we dated. Although he's not a horrible person, in the long run, he would of been a horrible person for me. When it came down to it, I have too many crazy dreams and plans for my life.. and he has none.
There's so many changes going on in my life. So many new and unexpected things. Things that I'm scared about, excited about, and things that I know I have to be patient with. Change is always scary, but change isn't always bad, in fact, most of the time it isn't bad at all. One of the things that unexpectedly popped up is a new job opportunity. I start this week, and I guess that's all I'll say about it for now. New jobs always remind me of the first day of school. Will it be fun? Will it be hard? Will the people you're going to be spending most of your days with like you? Will you get stuck being friends with that kid who's only known because they pick their nose and eat it and then against your wishes you become known as nose pickers friend? I don't know the answers to any of this, so I'm going to just breathe, relax, and let everything happen like it's meant to.
Easier said than done, right? But I'm damn well going to try, because when has over thinking ever done anyone any good?
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