Yeah the truth hurts, a lies worse,
but how can I give anymore,
when I love you a little less then before.
This, is what happens when I channel my inner Lady Gaga. As you can see, it can go from pretty to ugly in a matter of seconds. The photoshoot finished around suppertime so naturally we were hungry and ready to stuff our faces with everything models are not supposed to stuff their faces with. The gold shit we had stuck to us wouldn't come off our faces so the restaurants we'd be allowed in were unfortunately very limited. We weren't really feelin' Denny's or Mcdonald's so we narrowed it down to the only three choices we had. 1.) Not eat. Starve. Die. 2.) Eat the rest of the toostie rolls I found in Brittneys cupboard. Go into a sugar coma. Die. 3.) Go to the nearest grocery store and give people a laugh or two and make sure we make no sudden movements or suspicious sounds so no one thinks we're crazy or diseased and calls the cops on us out of fear for their safety.
(Cliccck! Full sized image can be seen here)
I like to think that when I make decisions it's a balance of listening to my head and my heart.. but on this day we decided to listen to our stomachs and they told us to embrace our inner freak and just go to superstore to get chicken to BBQ.
People stared. A few kids pointed. One kid even burst into tears - I think it may have something to do with the fact he slipped in the frozen food isle, but I apologize if it did have anything to do with the gold chunks that flaked off my face every time I smiled, talked or blinked. The chicken was well worth the stares though, Britt barbecued it to perfection and I'd like to think the gold flakes that fell off my face onto it while I was eating it added a little bit of extra flavour.
So, I did it again - I started blogging while I was getting a massage today.
I think I do this because it's literally the only part of my day that I don't have 17 other things on my mind. I'm just focused on blogging.. and my body not breaking in half thanks to the massage. I should make it clear what kind of massage I get. It's not one of those soothing and relaxing ones where you get put in a fluffy robe and sip on water with lemon wedges and rose petals in it. It's not one where they they gently place heart shaped, warm stones strategically all over your back to relieve the tension and stress of your favorite television show ending for the season. It's not one where they rub a chocolate looking and smelling substance all over your body and remind you numerous times that it's not edible every time you start drooling over it because it resembles pudding. Man, I love pudding.
The massages I get are the kind where they snap, crackle and pop your bones back into place and rub your muscles the same way that you kneed dough. I never go in there with a smile on my face and I never come out of there with a smile on my face. Writing blogs in my head is a good distraction from the fact that it feels like my bodys been turned into a human treadmill and people are running all over it. Really fast. And really hard. I suppose it's better then the other alternative though - thanks to dancing most of my life and a car accident a few years back, more often then not my back decides it hates life and I get to limp and gimp around until I can get in for a massage and some good ol' chiropractic work.
While I was getting my massage I also started working on my bucket list. Most of you have seen the life changing movie 'The Bucket List' or have least heard of it. Those who haven't heard of it live under a rock and should probably stop reading this blog and focus on weening themselves back into civilization... Juuuust kidding. That was mean. Keep reading. Please. Anyways, a bucket list is a list of things you want to do before you die or before you 'kick the bucket', so to speak. Some people say you should have 101 things on it - I say it's your bucket list, you can have as little or as many things on it as you want. I love the idea of a bucket list. The name of it could use some work, but it'll do. Everybody has things they want to do with their lives. Dreams and things we want to experience. I think often all of the things we wish we could do gets put on the back burner while we focus all our energy on what we feel like we should do, or need to do, or have no choice but doing. It's too often we forget what we want to do... and can do. There's so much I want to do with my life. I try and make as much time as it is physically possibe to do and work on the things that make me happy, but sometimes I get frustrated and overwhelmed and it just seems easier to put it off til tomorrow. Til the next day. Til the next week. Til the next month.
A Bucket List isn't a "To-Do" list. It's not something you're supposed to get done by the end of the week, there's no time limit on it. All it is, is a flimsy piece of paper that reminds you of what you deserve to experience in your life when you start to forget. It's never too early to start working towards the things on that list, or to start crossing things off of it. Life's short. I never, ever want to wake up one day and look at that list and think back at all the time I wasted just day-dreaming about what I wanted to do and never doing anything about it.
I started making one a few years ago but I'm a lot different then I was then. I decided to start updating mine so it relates to who I am now and who I want to be years from now. When I told my friend Chris I was updating it he said 'is being on a reality tv show one of the things you want to do?' No, it's not. I've already been on a reality tv show. I think the moment he asked that was the moment I realized how strange my life probably seems to other people sometimes. It's called 'Instant Beauty Pagent' and it was one of the oddest and longest days of my life. We won - the prize was a trip to Mexico, which was pretty sweet. You know what's less sweet? The fact that my friend who I was on the show with screwed me over and I didn't get to go on the trip to Mexico in the end with her. Funny how that worked out seeing as I was the one who heard about the casting application and applied for both me and her to be on it without her even knowing. Oh well, such is life, it's all about the expeience right? Yeah, whatever.
Last week someone told me they're jealous of my life which kinda puzzled me and made me laugh. You want it? It's all yours. This came from one of my girlfriends who I considered to be one of my closest friends. In fact, it was the same girl I was on that reality tv show with. I went to leave her a message on facebook only to find she had deleted me - and we all know the being deleted off facebook is like, the end of the world. I sent her a confused message as to why she randomly deleted to me seeing as we were chatting and joking around a couple days before. She rambled about how she couldn't handle seeing me with my "gorgeous best friend Brittney taking all these exciting modelling pictures and looking amazing and it was making her hate her own life and she couldn't take it." Um thanks, I think. Hearing this come from her of all people I found hilarious. Not in a hilarious 'ha ha' sorta way - more so a hilarious and ironic are you fucking joking me sorta way. This girl is this tattooed, gorgeous goddess who gets attention from absolutely everybody she graces with her presence. No matter where we are together, I instantly become insignificant and disappear as soon as people see her. I become a tiny, invisible, ordinary blonde girl because she is stunning and unique and next to her I'm apparently neither. She get's the attention of all the guys and people I wish would be as fascinated over me. Sometimes it really sucks feeling invisible, but in no way would I ever let that affect our friendship or make me any less proud of any of the amazing adventures she's been able to experience in her own life.
It's interesting because two years ago me and her had something great in the works. We had an idea that we had worked on for about a year and the right people interested in helping us make it happen. One day she messaged me saying she was going to do it on her own and didn't need me anymore. That hurt pretty bad.
I forgave her. I don't know how. I don't know why. Maybe I shouldn't of. She couldn't of hurt me in a bigger way then she did by doing that. It took me months and every single piece of me to forgive her and to be able to be her friend after that. I had done so much for her and although I knew she would of never done in return for me, that didn't stop me from going out of my way to help her in any way she ever needed. I've been one of the most consistent and reliable people she's ever had in her life - but I guess that doesn't mean much to some people.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I'm not sure how how my blog portrays me - nor does it really matter, I mean knew what I was getting into when I started up this blog - but for anyone who thinks all my life consists of is travelling and doing cool photoshoots - well then this is for you. I'm so thankful for the things that I've been able to do in my life, but I have worked my ass off to be able to do any of these things. I spend almost all of my extra money on travelling because it makes me happy. Some people spend their money on snazzy cars or fancy jewellery or alcohol and drugs and designer jeans - I've made the choice to spend it on gas and plane tickets to get away from here as often as my life allows me. Travelling makes me happy. Photoshoots? Those make me happy too. None of this is out of anyones reach, it's just a matter of whether it's a priority of yours or not, and I've made it mine.
My life isn't perfect and sometimes it straight up blows, but I try and focus on the happy moments of my life to write about instead of being a bitter bitch and complaining about everything that's going wrong. My life may be the furthest thing from perfect but I try my best to be positive even when everything is pointing at me giving up and crawling into a hole to die. I always put a smile on my face when I'd rather be sulking and bitching because I've never been good with expressing or talking about feelings and emotions. It takes a lot to make me mad but If I'm upset about something you'll almost never know - I've always been the type of person to deal with things on my own terms instead of making a fuss about it and getting others involved. It's probably one of my best attributes yet it's also one of my biggest faults. At the end of the day, I'm a smart girl and if I'm not happy with something I'm going to try my damnest to change things. I do realize that some things you can't change no matter how much you wish you could and when that happens, well, that's when you'll see me sitting in front of of my tv alone watching sappy chick flicks with a litre of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, trying to remind myself it can only get so bad before it has to get better.
You want me to bitch about my life? I've been out of college for three years. I know exactly what I want to do with my life but life doesn't want to cut me some slack and I still can't get a full-time job. I can hardly find a part time job. I've worked the crappiest hours for the crappiest pay since I started working when I was 16. I've tried harder then I knew was humanly possible to make this career work, but there comes a point when you have to give up. I have till the end of summer before I have to finally give up. I know I need to go back to school and I'm terrified and more upset over this then I'll ever be able to express because what the hell else do I want to do for the rest of my life other than this? I got my heart broken in November. Shattered, ripped apart and kicked to the curb. I was the happiest I had ever been and one day he called me up and completely and utterly out of the blue ended it. To this day I still don't get it. He still hasn't given me any sort of explanation and that sucks and that hurts. In a matter of seconds it was perfect, and then it was nothing.
I've had the shittiest friends. They're the type of people who will be there only when is convient for them. The type of people who will invite you along to join their plans, but would never make themelves available to fit into your plans. The kinda people who will leave you as soon as something better comes along. Other then my best friend Heather, who lives 5 million miles away and who will always be the most important thing ever to me, I've never had a best friend. I finally have a girlfriend who has been there for me every second I needed her, and every second I thought I didn't. I freakin' love Brittney more then most things in life. She's the only girl who's ever said she'd be there.. and has actually followed through. She's the closest thing I'll ever have to a sister and I never want to let that go.
I could go on and on and on. Every boy I like always falls for my friends. Last week I spent the entire week sprawled across my floor bawling my eyes out because I couldn't breathe. Do you know how scary it is not being able to breathe? I went through this about two years ago and I was in and out of the hospital for months. The stuck needles in my arms, pills down my throat, and heart monitors to my chest. I'd randomly stop breathing, I'd randomly start twitching and I'd have shock like sensations that'd go from my neck to my head and then I'd randomly black out. It was single handedly the worst time of my life. You know what it feels like to think that you're going to die? Well I was convinced I was going to die. They narrowed it down to something to do with my heart. I haven't had a problem with it in a couple of years but when it gets bad, it's bad. I made my mom sleep next to me all last week because I was convinced I was going to stop breathing in my sleep and probably die. She made a good point and said if I died in my sleep it's not like she'd notice because she'd be asleep - she loves me though, so she did it anyways.
Every job I want is given to someone else. Whenever I find clothes I like, they're never in my size. When me and Aaron broke up, I went to get my hair dyed and they completely fried the entire top layer of my hair so it's an inch long at the top now and sticks straight up - that's why I have my hair up in that poof in every one of my pictures. I wake up every morning with a mullet and a headache, and McDonalds is always out of my favorite type of Mcflurry. Blahblahblahbblah. I could be so bitter towards certain people and areas of my life, and maybe I should be, but I'm not - at the end of the day how is that going to make things better?
So get out and change what you can about your life and accept the things you can't. Sitting around being jealous of mine isn't going to make yours any better.
I do think I'm a cool girl, and yeah maybe my life is kinda cool too, but so far being cool is getting me fuck all in my life, but I'm still trying.
I'll leave you with this - I found it on this blog and it couldn't be more well written and I think almost every person can relate to it on some level.
I learned something today.
Some people will leave your life,
maybe it's for a short time, perhaps a little longer,
but one thing remains the same,
they will always be a part of you; their impact, small or large, leaves footprints on your heart,
a chapter in the story of you.
When people walk away from you,
let them go.
Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you,
it doesn't mean they're bad people,
it just means that their part in your story is over.
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