I have an unhealthy coffee addiction. Somedays it's the reason I get up in the morning - yet it's probably the reason I don't sleep well at night. I'm on day two of no coffee. My soul is dying a tiny bit each second.. but who needs a soul anyways.
Marley visited from Toronto last week. I haven't seen her in over a year. I have a lot of respect for her - her dreams are just as big and crazy and unrealistic as mine are and she's not letting anything get in her way. She just gets it. The result of our hangout is a video that's either going to blow your mind, or… no, it'll just blow your mind.
I hate bread. I love toast and hate bread. It's doughy. squishy. moist. The other day I attempted to make toast for the first time since I moved into my new place. Put bread in toaster. Push button to start toasting. Annnnd.. nothing. Toaster's broken. I narrowed it down to two options. 1.) pester our neighbors who I've never met in hopes that they have a toaster that works. 2.) try to toast bread in our oven. My roomate came home in the middle of the oven smoking and my toast burning (at least I know for next time that 450 degrees is.. too hot) She got in some good long laughs and mocked me, asking why I didn't use the toaster oven that we have. (in my defense I've never used one and it looked.. complicated). I ate my burnt toast sadly and then went to the gym.
My ex bf used to always tease me that I had some sort of witch powers. He said that when I didn't like what someone had done, if they had annoyed me or made me mad, that somehow I was able to make them pay for what they'd said or done. It all began when he drank too much smirnoff one night. Bad idea. He got too drunk, cranky, and kinda mean. It was the only day we kinda bickered the entire time we were dating. I got frustrated, told him he'd regret it in the morning, and left. He's had a fair share of partying in his days so I was pretty sure he'd be just fine in the morning. I got a call at 5pm from him the next day as he was finally waking up - sleepy and confused about what had happened the night before. He said he couldn't remember a time in his life that he felt that awful, like he got hit by a semi.. repeatedly. I don't think he moved from his bed all day. I think it may of been a struggle to get out of bed the next even. I told him he got what he deserved after the night before. After that it became an ongoing joke with us to never mess around with me.
I came home after my workout, skipped attempting to burn more toast, settled for soup and headed to my bedroom to indulge in a night filled of cream of mushroom, saltine crackers, and American Idol. My roomate was upstairs in the middle of changing the door knob to her room and cracked a joke about trying not to burn any more stuff in the oven. A few minutes in to listening to bad singers murder good songs I heard her yelling my name. I walked towards her room where she was banging on her door - turns out she had messed up the lock and was locked in her room.
I guess karma really is a bitch, hey? And maybe, just maybe, I can be a little bit of one too. Or maybe I'm not, I mean, I DID help my roomate get her door unlocked.. well, eventually.
The more people I meet, the more I see and realize how damaged people are. It's sad. Almost everyone I know has had that one relationship that fucked you up good. That one relationship that has made you terrified when you find yourself falling for someone again. That relationship that scarred you so badly that as soon as a good thing comes along, you let it go. That one relationship that you compare everything else to. That one relationship that forces you to hurt people first so they don't end up hurting you. That one relationship that's convinced you it's better to be alone from the beginning then to feel alone once someone breaks your heart.
I'm not damaged. I'm scared.. terrified, but not damaged. That doesn't mean I'll just.. give up. It doesn't mean I won't put myself out there again - with the possibility of getting hurt and the hope that I won't. I don't want to wake up when I'm 30 still sleeping alone and look back on my life wishing I had tried harder, held on tighter, and not let go of something just because I was scared of getting hurt - not give it a fair shot just because I was afraid. Maybe you think it's better to be alone now, but 5 years from now when the pillow beside is still only slept on when you get lucky after a night out and bring someone home till the morning - make sure you remember you did this to yourself.
I want this to be year of letting go. I want to let go of the friends who only want me around when they need me. I want to let go of the people who say they'll call and never do. I want to let go of the boy who wasn't willing to fight for me. I want to let go of the daydreams that he'll show up at my doorstep and tell me he finally realizes it was the biggest mistake to let me go. I want to let go of the people who say they'll be there, but never are. I want to let go of the guys who don't want me as a friend once they get a girlfriend. I want to let go of the guys who can't just be my friend. I want to let go of the guys who fall for me for a few weeks and then drift away. I want to let go of the girls who don't need me until they break up with their boyfriend. I want to let go of the people who were never friends to begin with.
I want all of this to be as easy for me to actually do, as it is for me to type out.
Slowly but surely I know that I will. Slowly but surely I know that I am - it just takes time. Times a bitch - there's never enough of it when you're trying to met a deadline, or trying to get a bit more sleep at night and there's always far too much of it when you're trying to forgive, forget, or move on.
I wish we learnt more in school. I wish school focused on the things that we deal with in our day to day lives. We have calculators for when we need to deal with numbers.. maps and history books if we need to know something about social.. and bill nye the science guy if we have questions about biology. I wish they taught us how to heal a broken heart, how to let someone down easy, how to let go of the things and people that you know aren't good for you, how to always make the right decisions, how to know who to trust, who not to, and who will never let you down.
But they don't. So I guess we gotta figure this shit out on our own.
This weekend re enforced a few things - how much I hate the bar, how much I love my friends and how McDonald's McFlurries can make anything better.
As if my life couldn't get any more random - just got a call to go to Las Vegas for work with my best friend on Sunday.
For the first time in a while I feel good about what's going to happen next. I have absolutely no idea what will happen, what won't, what should and what shouldn't, all I know is I'm excited about it. I'm smiling. My life is starting to pick back up to the crazy pace that I love - that I live for. Las Vegas. Toronto. L.A. - looks like it's a busy summer ahead. Let's do this right this time around.
I was introduced to this while I was in LA. They are absolutely amazing and I've been listening to them non-stop. And I've noticed if you wanna piss off the person next to you at the gym, play this on your ipod full blast and sing along. Badly. That's what you get when you turn off my fan, punk! If you like a bit heavier music, go check some of their stuff out!
No comments:
Post a Comment