I try to hold on, but it hurts too much. I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay.

"If I knew then what I know now.."

 

Sometime's I ask myself questions,

Devan, honey, what do you want for dinner tonight? 

Devan, do you really wanna go to the gym, you look awfully tired?

Devan, are you going to regret drinking another vodka cran once morning comes tomorrow?

Sometimes I find myself asking more important questions, such as this one,

If you knew then what you know now, would you change anything? 

If you could go back and do things differently, would you? Would you of slacked off less in school? Would you of put yourself out there and told someone how you really felt? How much you cared about them? How much you hated them? Would you of said what you meant instead of what you thought you should say? Would you of held onto certain friendships? Would you of smiled more? Stood up for yourself when the world tried to knock you down? If you could take back absolutely anything, re-do a part of your life, would you?

Sometime's I think yes. I'd like to rewind the past year and tweak it a tiny bit perhaps. When I think a little more carefully I start to reconsider. By changing anything it means yes the outcome could of resulted so much better. It also could of ended up so much worse. I believe that the experiences you face in life make you who you are. The failures, sucesses, good times, bad times, amazing times that you want to flaunt all over facebook and deveastating times that make you want to curl up in a ball and die - how you deal with and allow all these planned and unexpected things to effect you contribute to of the person that you are at this very second. What would I of changed? Would I of held on longer and tighter at times? Let go easier? Would I of given more people a chance? Less people a chance? Not fallen in love? Made the move to Toronto like planned? Should I just of booked a one way to Australia with nothing but a toothbrush and a few photographs? 

Would I of not taken the chance on that shy tattood boy? Would I of turned down that second date? That was the beginning of it all, the beginning of making the memories that would become the best times of my life. However, the downfall and ending of the relationship evevitably, the worst time of my life. Would I take it all back in hopes that my heart would of been spared?

I'm not sure. Doing any one of these things differently means that life would of turned out completely different. All I know is that doing what I've done has gotten me to this point. Maybe it's not ideal at the moment. Maybe it's not perfect. Still, I have too much to be thankful for to change anything at the risk of any one of the many things that make me smile everyday to be taken away from me, or not exist at all.

The answers to most other questions are a bit more simple. Tonight, I would like chicken and rice for dinner. I don’t want to go the gym, but I will. And under no circumstances, do I ever regret that last vodka cran.

You live, you learn and in between it all, you pray you don't ever make the same mistakes again.

"you can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on" - Tupac, you crazy bitch, you are a smart man.

I move this weekend into my new place. It's a tiny bit stressful. Does anyone think moving’s fun? Once you get all settled in and shit it’s a riot! The whole moving furniture, ordering furniture, packing, unpacking, repacking and then unpacking some more part.. not so much. A cute boy I know offered to help me move. I actually really appreciate it because the only thing less fun then doing the packing and unpacking will be trying to move and cram all my shit into the back of his truck. So thank you!

This weekend I'm roadtripping it back home with Ryan. Where is home, you ask? Well, I've moved around a lot but I consider the place I spent my childhood home. Saskatchewan. Where did you think I was going to say? I've come a long way from my Saskatchewan days but no matter what as soon as I get back there it's just comfortable. Relaxing. Peaceful. It could be because there's fuck all to do there other then relax. However, I'd like to think I feel this way because it brings back all my childhood memories, a time where my biggest worries were if I'd make it home in time to watch the flintstones at lunch. If i'd be allowed to have a sleepover that weekend. How I could prove to Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys that we were soul mates without getting a restraining order in the process.

The reason I'm most excited to go to Saskatchewan is to see my best friend. A lot of people are shady. People say they'll be there for you but when life gets tough they seem to be the ones who leave you stranded when you need them the most. People are selfish. People lie. People cheat. I don't need to tell any of you this, we all know people like that. I think often people settle for friends like this because they figure it's better then being alone. I don't believe that at all. 

Heather has been my best friend for 19 years. We have never had a single fight. There has never been a single time that she hasn't been there when I needed her, and even when I didn't need her. She's never been more then a call, text, e-mail or long ass car ride away from listening to me bitch about whatever's on my mind. At some point I'll write a blog about her – this short paragraph would never do her justice. Our friendship proves that distance isn’t an excuse. There has never been a second that we haven't been as close and inseparable as were the day we met almost two decades ago. When I put it that way, we sound ancient. Ugh. 

She's beautiful and has an aura about her so that you can't help but smile and laugh when you're around her. I'm not sure many people like her exist. I feel beyond lucky and grateful to have her in my life. And no, I'm not willing to share her. Must be an only child thing. She's MY best friend, back off.

I smiled the entire ride to work today. By time I got to work my cheeks actually hurt from smiling so much. That hasn’t happened a lot lately. I don't know what I was smiling about. My alarm clock went off late. My c.d was skipping. My scarf was on too tight and was irratating my neck. My oatmeal had too much milk and not enough oats. I got tangled in a pile of laundry and settled for stubbing my toe instead of falling and smashing my face. I didn't have time for a shower, to make lunch or even grab coffee. My Louis Vuitton rubbed against the side of my filthy car and got covered in mud. I could feel a migraine coming out. But man, was I ever smiling. The snow was melting, the sky was a beautiful pinkish color, and for a second, if you asked me where else I would of rather been at that moment, I would of said no where.. I just felt good, happy, complete.. for some utterly unknown reason. Whatever, I won't question it. Sometimes it's nice to smile for absolutely no reason at all.

Okay, time to go update my Ipod with songs that will make Ryan's ears bleed during the ride to Saskatchewan. Sorry in advance!!