There I was again tonight, forcing laughter, faking smiles. Same old tired, lonely place.

breathe when you can,

because sometimes you don't get the choice.

There's a fly in my house. I don't know where he came from, or why he didn't die or start hibernating when we got hit with three feet of snow last week. He's been buzzing around the house and slamming into mirrors and windows and lights like an idiot for the past two days. He just flew in front of my face and almost gave me a heart attack, yet I still don't have the heart to smush him and flush him down my toilet. I walked down my driveway to grab something from my car yesterday and almost caught pneumonia. After that little adventure, I also don't have the heart to capture Phillip and send him out into the cold without buying him some sort of tiny bug mittens or something. Yes, I named him. No, I'm not ashamed.

...

Until this past year, I never realized how important realness is to me. How important real people are to me. Everyone's perception of what is real is different though.

I also realized that maybe that's the problem.

Last week I put facebook to good use, and after posting 17 pictures of my brand new Gucci purse, dress, shoes, headband (just kidding - I don't even own anything Gucci. Or a headband.) I posted this status after realizing that I have a pathetically large amount of 'acquaintances'.. and a pathetically small amount of girlfriends.

...

WANTED - some close girlfriends. I don't really have many, at all, anymore, and it sucks. Must be undramatic and trustworthy and real...

...

I got more responses and acknowledgements then I expected. 33 to be exact. Everybody's comments sounded pretty similar "I know what you mean!" "I'm looking for the same thing!" "Agreed.. let's hangout asap!" I even got a couple messages to my inbox regarding it and mentioning how we should make plans together.

At first, I didn't get my hopes up too high, because let's face it, what people say and what people do are two totally different things, but I decided to try something out anyways. I invited 5 girls out for that following weekend. 5 girls that seemed genuine and like maybe they'd actually be capable of making plans and following through with them. The plan for Saturday night was drinks at a friends place and then karaoke - pretty simple. We weren't going to a club where you'd have to spending hours getting ready, we weren't going to anything that would end up costing you money you may not have. Just karaoke, a couple drinks, and some fun.

I talked to the girls throughout the day and they all said they were coming, and even sounded like they were looking forward to it. I may or may not of had a tiny bit of hope at that point that maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't be the type of people I had already pegged them to be.

I got my first text around 9:30pm from one girl saying that she couldn't come anymore. Another at around 11pm. One texted me saying she decided to make other plans instead. The other girl didn't text me until the next day. The last one I just heard from today, two days later. Now I do have to say, one of them called me the next day and explained the reasons why she didn't come out. It was completely understandable, and it was nice to get an actual phone call from someone apologizing, instead of a meaningless text.

I understand that plans get messed up. People forget, people get tired, roads are crappy, things run late, your dogs pukes up it's dinner - things happen and people just can't make it. I understand. In fact, I probably understand this more than anyone, because for my entire life I've taken on the role of the most understanding person in the world. I never hold a grudge, and although I never forget, I always forgive.

After 23 years of it, I refuse to be that girl anymore, and I'm passing the role onto some other bitch who wants it.

This is where things got real. Judging from what I've learnt from listening carefully to people when they talk, and have reconfirmation from the responses posted on my facebook, I realized that everybody really does want the same thing. Everybody is fairly similar. Everybody wants people in their life that won't let them down. Everybody's looked at people's facebook pictures and wished they had another person's life for a day or two, because in that album everything looks perfect and this person looks like the kind of person you think you want to be friends with. Everybody bitches about their friends, their life, their jobs, that the new Katy Perry song is played too much on the radio.. and when the days done, they go to sleep at night and they dream about the things they wish were different, but will never make any effort to change... and then their alarm clock goes off and they wake up to the smell of coffee and burning toast, and bitch about the same things once again.

So, it becomes a vicious cycle, because if things never change, that means people never change, and that means finding these so called real people in life are damn hard to pick out in a crowd.

So I leave you with this - if you think you're worth it, drop me a message sometime. Make plans with me with every intention of not bailing - and then don't bail. It's that easy. If we haven't talked in the past 6 months, and you don't plan on us talking in the next 6 months, please delete me from your friends list. I'm interesting, I'm real, and I'm the kind of person that asks you how your day was, because I actually give a fuck about your answer - but I promise you'll never see any of that that by just glancing through my my profile pictures and reading my updated status's.

I think this is the closest I've been to knowing what and who I want in my life, and what I don't want in my life - although I'm still a long way to fully knowing, just like everyone else. I can see the big picture, it's just all the tiny details that aren't exactly figured out yet.. but if they were, life would be boring, wouldn't it be?

I want to go back to school. I want a career - not just a job. A career where everyday I feel like I'm contributing to something in some way. I want to feel like I'm beneficial to the company that I work for, and I want my employers to feel like I have something to offer. I want a house. Not a huge house, not something unreasonable. I want something that has big windows that I can open first thing in the morning, every morning. I want to drink my decaf coffee and curl up on the couch, looking out at whatever scenery is behind these windows while getting ready and excited for the day ahead of me. I want a deck, one where I can fall asleep on a hammock on warm summer nights. I want to get woken up by birds chirping and sqwaking from the trees above me, the sun shining in my eyes, and the sound of papers rustling while my boyfriend sits at the patio table, reading and writing and sipping on his caffeinated coffee - which I'll of course sneak a sip of before I go back inside. A deck to have BBQ's and get togethers on. A firepit surrounded by close friends. I want a group of close friends who's lives don't revolve around going out to the club and themselves, people who look forward to those nights out on the deck. I want a vehicle, I don't care what kind. I don't want it to be brand new, I want it to be comfy and broken in and I want to get into it and just drive. I want it to have a sunroof. I want it to not slide all over the roads during wintertime, so that if I need to deal with snowy weather I can appreciate how pretty snow really is instead of complaining. I want to crack open the sun roof when it's sunny out, so I can have that feeling of being exactly where I want to be at that moment. I want a puppy to run around the backyard with, tossing frisbee's and balls with until I'm out of breath. I want to lay on the bed with him or her snuggled up next to me during the last few minutes before I fall asleep while I'm watching tv, but not really watching it at all. I also want Phillip to get tired from all his buzzing around my room and take a nap, because he's starting to give me a headache.

This is what I want.

Change or Die.

I wanted to forgive you,

...

now I'm ready to forget you.

I've recently sworn off boys and caffeine. People keep asking me why. I've decided they're both bad for my heart, my health and my sanity.

I was working a couple weeks ago when one of my fellow co-workers filled my head with useless yet interesting facts. Studies show that people who lack a sense of smell have a hard time holding onto relationships, showing affection and falling in love. Apparently the smells of everyday life, things, and people is directly linked to how much affection you're able to show. Well, I'm sick as hell. My nose is stuffed up and plugged and I can't taste or smell anything. In fact, I'm pretty sure I ate a week old sandwich that I randomly found in my bedroom the other day without flinching, so excuse me if I love you less this week and forget to give out hugs and cheek kisses for the next few days.

Around this time two years ago I was sitting in my car in a Second Cup parking lot. I had just hung up my phone and was bawling my eyes out. I applied for a job at a television studio in Calgary and I had just gotten a call from them saying they wanted to meet up for an interview. My life flashed before my eyes thinking about the possibility of actually getting this job. As much as I wanted it, it would mean a new city, a new career, new life, new friends, new, new, new, scared, scared, scared. I really did want this job. I tried so hard to get it. I put so much effort into trying to convince them that I was perfect for the position. I used the whitest, most crisp paper to print my resume on. I bought shiny gold dvd's to burn my demo onto. I wrote the address in cursive on the envelope with my brand new fine tipped marker and said a quick prayer before I sent it off. My hard work paid off. Whether it was the smell of the freshly unwrapped paper, the curves and lines in my cursive writing, or whether they just believed I would be perfect for the position by just being me, I had them convinced. Yet once I had them convinced, I panicked. There was no doubt in my mind that I would get the job as soon as I sent my resume off. I truly believe that I am great at what I do. I guess I just didn't realize what I'd be leaving behind if I took the job. I never even took them up on the interview. I wonder where I'd be right now if I had.

If I could go back it time I would smack my 19 year old self across the head and tell her to stop being such a pussy. I'd wipe away my tears, grab a vanilla bean latte, and call them back and tell them I'd have my shit packed to move there by the end of the week and I could start the following Monday.

Today, I'm at the exact point in my life that I was this time last year. Single, relatively unemployed, about to move back home and trying to figure out where the fuck I'm supposed to go from here.

In some strange, cruel sorta way it's like I'm being given a second chance. A chance to start over and do things differently this time. Do things right. One more try. You better believe that I'm not going to mess around this time. The next time I get a call for a job offer I will be on the next flight out of here. I will dry eyed. I will have my vanilla bean latte in hand and the past 22 years of my life being dragged in my Betsey Johnson luggage behind me.

Ashley, Brittney and myself were in a music video last week. It was so much fun. Well, aside from me still trying to fight this gross, phlegmy, snotty, exhausting cold I have and popping cough drops every 15 minutes. Attractive, right? The video should be up by next week.. I can't wait to see it! Let's hope they were filming from all our good sides. ;)

(figured out how to make pictures bigger if you click on them! well most of them you can, haven't completely figured it out I guess!)

Music has always been such a huge part of my life. As Brittney's best friend, I felt it was my duty to take her to her first screamo/hardcore concert on Monday. Judging by the look on her face as soon as we walked into the building, she really had no idea what she was getting herself into. My friend recently started drumming for the band 'Everytime I Die". I haven't seen him in a while so even though I was dying a tiny bit myself from being sick, there was no way I wasn't going to go see him play while he was in town. As soon as we walked into the venue all Brittney said was "Dude, we are so out of place." I'm used to it though. People always find it weird when I say I grew up listening to this kinda of music. I skipped the whole Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, Nsync, Otown, Mytown, West town, North town, whatever town phase and didn't start appreciating that sorta sugary sweet kinda music until years later after the hype was over.

I went to my first punk concert when I was about 14. Almost every weekend for the next three years were spent at local punk shows listening to live music while trying not to get kicked in the face while people jumped around in the mosh pits and screamed along to the undecipherable song lyrics. I was the preppiest girl at every punk show. Even at my 'punkiest' stage with my fauxhawked blonde hair, black tank tops, cargo pants and black eyeliner I still looked out of place. I get as many stares at a punk concert as a guy does when he accidentally walks into the ladies room. But it didn't matter to me then, and it doesn't matter to me now. Regardless of how different I appear to be from my 16 year old self, there's no doubt I'm the same punk concert going girl. As much as I've grown, some things never change. I still love my hardcore music. I still would rather spend any night at a live show then doing anything else. I still have the biggest grin on my face as soon as the lights dim and the band walks out on stage. I still scream along to Story Of The Year c.d's in my car when no ones with me. I still do a double take when any boy covered in tattoos passes by me. And I still believe in wearing shoes that look like they were stolen from a stripper to every concert I go to.

We went for tea and milkshakes at Denny's after the concert because.. well isn't that what everyone does after a punk show?

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end

Next week is my new beginning. I have a few events to attend, a fashion show to be in, things to film, meetings to try and not fall asleep during, and hopefully a few phone calls with job offers. I'm dry eyed and I'm ready for it. Bring it on.

Getting ready for the video shoot!

(double click on vid to get to my youtube page!)

We're gunna drown your ego, you're a legend no one knows.

I know that people change but you just stay the same.

you would swear, on your grave,

that you would never become exactly what you hate.

forget how you feel

.

remember what you deserve

I have an unhealthy coffee addiction. Somedays it's the reason I get up in the morning - yet it's probably the reason I don't sleep well at night. I'm on day two of no coffee. My soul is dying a tiny bit each second.. but who needs a soul anyways.

Marley visited from Toronto last week. I haven't seen her in over a year. I have a lot of respect for her - her dreams are just as big and crazy and unrealistic as mine are and she's not letting anything get in her way. She just gets it. The result of our hangout is a video that's either going to blow your mind, or… no, it'll just blow your mind.

I hate bread. I love toast and hate bread. It's doughy. squishy. moist. The other day I attempted to make toast for the first time since I moved into my new place. Put bread in toaster. Push button to start toasting. Annnnd.. nothing. Toaster's broken. I narrowed it down to two options. 1.) pester our neighbors who I've never met in hopes that they have a toaster that works. 2.) try to toast bread in our oven. My roomate came home in the middle of the oven smoking and my toast burning (at least I know for next time that 450 degrees is.. too hot) She got in some good long laughs and mocked me, asking why I didn't use the toaster oven that we have. (in my defense I've never used one and it looked.. complicated). I ate my burnt toast sadly and then went to the gym.

My ex bf used to always tease me that I had some sort of witch powers. He said that when I didn't like what someone had done, if they had annoyed me or made me mad, that somehow I was able to make them pay for what they'd said or done. It all began when he drank too much smirnoff one night. Bad idea. He got too drunk, cranky, and kinda mean. It was the only day we kinda bickered the entire time we were dating. I got frustrated, told him he'd regret it in the morning, and left. He's had a fair share of partying in his days so I was pretty sure he'd be just fine in the morning. I got a call at 5pm from him the next day as he was finally waking up - sleepy and confused about what had happened the night before. He said he couldn't remember a time in his life that he felt that awful, like he got hit by a semi.. repeatedly. I don't think he moved from his bed all day. I think it may of been a struggle to get out of bed the next even. I told him he got what he deserved after the night before. After that it became an ongoing joke with us to never mess around with me.

I came home after my workout, skipped attempting to burn more toast, settled for soup and headed to my bedroom to indulge in a night filled of cream of mushroom, saltine crackers, and American Idol. My roomate was upstairs in the middle of changing the door knob to her room and cracked a joke about trying not to burn any more stuff in the oven. A few minutes in to listening to bad singers murder good songs I heard her yelling my name. I walked towards her room where she was banging on her door - turns out she had messed up the lock and was locked in her room.

I guess karma really is a bitch, hey? And maybe, just maybe, I can be a little bit of one too. Or maybe I'm not, I mean, I DID help my roomate get her door unlocked.. well, eventually.

The more people I meet, the more I see and realize how damaged people are. It's sad. Almost everyone I know has had that one relationship that fucked you up good. That one relationship that has made you terrified when you find yourself falling for someone again. That relationship that scarred you so badly that as soon as a good thing comes along, you let it go. That one relationship that you compare everything else to. That one relationship that forces you to hurt people first so they don't end up hurting you. That one relationship that's convinced you it's better to be alone from the beginning then to feel alone once someone breaks your heart.

I'm not damaged. I'm scared.. terrified, but not damaged. That doesn't mean I'll just.. give up. It doesn't mean I won't put myself out there again - with the possibility of getting hurt and the hope that I won't. I don't want to wake up when I'm 30 still sleeping alone and look back on my life wishing I had tried harder, held on tighter, and not let go of something just because I was scared of getting hurt - not give it a fair shot just because I was afraid. Maybe you think it's better to be alone now, but 5 years from now when the pillow beside is still only slept on when you get lucky after a night out and bring someone home till the morning - make sure you remember you did this to yourself.

I want this to be year of letting go. I want to let go of the friends who only want me around when they need me. I want to let go of the people who say they'll call and never do. I want to let go of the boy who wasn't willing to fight for me. I want to let go of the daydreams that he'll show up at my doorstep and tell me he finally realizes it was the biggest mistake to let me go. I want to let go of the people who say they'll be there, but never are. I want to let go of the guys who don't want me as a friend once they get a girlfriend. I want to let go of the guys who can't just be my friend. I want to let go of the guys who fall for me for a few weeks and then drift away. I want to let go of the girls who don't need me until they break up with their boyfriend. I want to let go of the people who were never friends to begin with.

I want all of this to be as easy for me to actually do, as it is for me to type out.

Slowly but surely I know that I will. Slowly but surely I know that I am - it just takes time. Times a bitch - there's never enough of it when you're trying to met a deadline, or trying to get a bit more sleep at night and there's always far too much of it when you're trying to forgive, forget, or move on.

I wish we learnt more in school. I wish school focused on the things that we deal with in our day to day lives. We have calculators for when we need to deal with numbers.. maps and history books if we need to know something about social.. and bill nye the science guy if we have questions about biology. I wish they taught us how to heal a broken heart, how to let someone down easy, how to let go of the things and people that you know aren't good for you, how to always make the right decisions, how to know who to trust, who not to, and who will never let you down.

But they don't. So I guess we gotta figure this shit out on our own.

This weekend re enforced a few things - how much I hate the bar, how much I love my friends and how McDonald's McFlurries can make anything better.

As if my life couldn't get any more random - just got a call to go to Las Vegas for work with my best friend on Sunday.  

For the first time in a while I feel good about what's going to happen next. I have absolutely no idea what will happen, what won't, what should and what shouldn't, all I know is I'm excited about it. I'm smiling. My life is starting to pick back up to the crazy pace that I love - that I live for. Las Vegas. Toronto. L.A. - looks like it's a busy summer ahead. Let's do this right this time around.

I was introduced to this while I was in LA. They are absolutely amazing and I've been listening to them non-stop. And I've noticed if you wanna piss off the person next to you at the gym, play this on your ipod full blast and sing along. Badly. That's what you get when you turn off my fan, punk! If you like a bit heavier music, go check some of their stuff out!